Closure

Have you ever seen me being emotionally overwhelmed? If you haven't, meet the irrational me.

Today, a part of me died. Today, after struggling for a whole month, I have gotten a resolution. It was never the one I'd worked towards, never the one I'd wished for. Today, I don't care what people say. You can tell me that something good will come out of this and all you'll get is a blank stare. Because you know what? I know something good will come out.. or do I? Because right now, how can I make you understand how I feel? This is what I've been praying for, day and night. I never allowed my dream to slip out of my grips because I know, the moment I cave in, it's done.

You'll probably tell me that it isn't too bad. It isn't too bad? Yeah, I know that. But do you know how MUCH it hurts when you want to change things so badly but know that you can't because you are powerless? It isn't too bad? How would you like getting disappointed over and over by different people? Tell me, how do you smile after a gruelling fight that ends with you on the losing side? How do you walk with your head held high when inside, all you want to do is cry - and yet you know that you can't just because all you're gonna get is freaked out friends who do not know what to do, worried parents who want to give you the world but know they can't, and authority figures who can only look at you and wonder what else they can do, even though they know the chances are slim?

What I'm saying is what I really think. If you know me well enough, you'd know that disappointment doesn't sit well with me. In Form 1, it was my ultimate dream to attend MGS Singapore. That year, I blew my chance. As a 13-year-old, it was a hard blow to deal with. The next year, I vowed to do my very best and took another shot. Only a few girls were shortlisted for interviews. My name was on the list when we went back to the hotel to check back the next morning. Do you know how I felt walking out of the interview room? I came so close to it... but I met a dead end again. To fall that second time was more than heartbreaking, but I wasn't done. I wanted to try again the next year, but my appendix decided to come into the picture and ruin my dreams. That was exactly 4 years and 1 day ago.

You want to tell me that it'll be okay? I believe you. Because I know, in time, this wound, like all the others, will heal. But for now, I just want you to know that I know it's hard to deal with someone who is hurting, but I would appreciate it if I could have some space. I've been holding out for hope and gotten nothing in return. RM105.70 (and RM50+ more) and a month later, a part of me died. It's that part of me that has been keeping me going, looking ahead.

Today, I fought my last battle. For four hours in class, my mind wasn't completely there. I couldn't care less about what I had for lunch. I blew RM20 on taxi fare to get to the bank and come back. For the first time in my life, I went to the bank alone. I didn't even know which button to press to get my queue number. I didn't even know which slip to take or what to fill in. I didn't even know that I couldn't transfer money out of my account, but that I had to do a cash withdrawal first. It occured to me then that we seem to know so much about what we study in school, but when it boils down to the basics that we need in real life, what do we know?

After that, I took a 10-minute walk under the scorching sun. I got some stares along the way. Those people must have been wondering what a college girl was doing walking around the roads, clutching a thick blue file, at 1 pm. But I couldn't care less because I had only one thing in mind. Who cared about the fact that I was sweating like a pig under the sun? Who cared that my feet were hurting like crazy from my sandals? I'd take all the sweat and blisters if it means that things would turn around.

So I fought my last battle and lost. Through the hurt, the only thing I know I want to do is go home and pretend none of this happened. But this is the real world and Kuching isn't as accessible as KL is. I still have to walk among friends who wonder what happened and who pose the same question I've had in mind for so long. I still have to attend classes, take tests, and prepare for the final exams. I am still going to be here until next year. As far as I know, nothing can change all that now.

Michigan, thank you for saying congratulations and welcome to the family. Even though I guess I won't be a Wolverine just yet, as much as I'd like to, this doesn't spell an end. If anything, this is a fresh start.

I sought resolution and I've found it. Now, it's time for closure.