What about me?

I’m listening to Evanescence’s Lithium now. It was just a random pick, but it kind of fits my mood right now. I’m not caught in a mood swing; I don’t quite know how I feel now.

This morning’s SAT Maths class was freezing cold but I didn’t put on my jacket. Somehow I’d rather feel my fingers turn numb today. The class ended exactly at 12 pm instead of half an hour earlier as usual because we had to rush to finish the second chapter of the day. We couldn’t even cover the last chapter due to time constraints.

After class I headed to the dining hall to buy my lunch. The auntie told me to put the book which I carried in my hand on the table in front of the stall, but I was busy eyeing the food and trying to make up my mind on what to have for lunch, so I was distracted and didn’t quite catch what she said. So I looked at her and she said something I couldn’t make out and then she went, “Book! Buku.. Letak sana lah!” And then she proceeded to ask me if I’m from Myanmar and mentioned something about whether or not I understand BM. And when I said I’m Malaysian, she looked like she’d rather believe that I’d beamed in here from the bottom of a UFO. Her tone ticked me off. She even murmured to the person beside her, “Malaysia” as if she still couldn’t believe me. AOK JAK LA.

SERIOUSLY. This is really getting to me. What is it with people and my identity?!

Here, after people know me for a few days, they’ll surely ask me what race I belong to. After I explain to them that I am a Chinese-Bidayuh and that I know that they have been trying not to give in to their curiosity since they met, then they’d confess that OH YEAH, I’VE BEEN WONDERING FOR DAYS. Here, people can’t really identify with me and I can’t say that I don’t feel the same way too. Their first perception of me is that I’m Malay, and then when they find out that I’m not, they begin puzzling over WHAT I really am. So you tell me why sometimes I feel like I belong neither here nor there?

Look, I know that they're just curious. That's fine with me, but I do hope that they will realize that sometimes it gets a little old for me. I do try my best to be patient and tactful because I understand where they are coming from.

But sometimes I feel that being here begs the question: Where do I stand on this continuum?