Ruminations

I'm writing this post because today I woke up feeling very thankful for some things. Yeah, try being able to sleep in on a Monday morning; you'd feel the same too! By the way, I did not skip a class. We just don't have anymore Malaysian Studies lectures because we've covered the whole syllabus. We only have to show up on the day of our presentation and another time at the end of the month to know our coursework marks.

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking lately. Now that people are beginning to pack up and leave, the situation feels more real than ever. A year ago, I thought I'd be packing up and leaving this place too. A year ago, I was filled with enthusiasm and a slight sense of apprehension. But still, I was ready to rumble. I had a carefully thought-out plan because I'm just meticulous like that when it comes to organizing the stuff that matter to myself. In my mind, I knew what I wanted.

In the heat of the moment, I somehow lost my footing and lost sight of what I truly wanted. Because at that time, all I could hear was denial - over and over. Keep the faith, my family and friends say. That, I think, was the hardest thing to do at that point. When you hit a low point, there comes a time when doubt starts creeping in and you think, is this all worth it or am I just wasting my time holding out for hope that is futile? It is like trying to piece together a broken piece of expensive glassware. You know you can't do it, yet you keep on doing it because you hope that by some miracle, your efforts will pay off.

Run the race and keep the faith. Now, the first part is one thing that most people can do. Running the race is what we do every day. We constantly try to keep up with everything else that changes around us. We try our best to go with the flow and hope that things turn out well at the finishing line of the race. No matter how many curveballs life throws at us, we try to handle them well because that's just how we operate. But keeping the faith? That requires a lot of patience and trust. It is easy to let a dream die and let your belief go when nothing seems to work. When things go awry, it is easy to step back and say, I surrender. It is. Throughout the course of one month, I had so many worry-filled days when all I could think about was my predicament. Sure, there were times when I was genuinely happy, but they seemed fleeting compared to the times I spent mulling over the way things turned out.

But now that all that is over and done with, I've found that it was worth keeping the faith. Because at the end of the day, that is what truly matters. Of course, it was a painful experience. Truth be told, I still feel disappointed when I think of it. But when I look at the other blessings that I've received after that, I think it may have been worth more than I initially thought.

My favorite verse in the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11, which says 'I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for'. I have this verse written on a piece of colored paper and stuck onto a cardboard on my bulletin board. When I wrote it down last year, I did not think so much of it. But now I know the meaning a little bit better. Sometimes, when people say that God has better plans in store for you (I got this from more than one person at that time - and that's not in church, if that's what you're thinking - this came in school), it can be hard to accept because your human mind refuses to accept a statement in which you cannot figure out the logic. When you read it, and trust that it is real, it might still not be easy to accept. Because that's just how we work. I found myself struggling to fully believe this because if you know me well enough, you'd know that I am a skeptical person (that's why I don't believe in magic - they're just fooling your eyes - and things like self-hypnosis).

Plans - that's how I see life being mapped out. That is why when my earlier plans were fried, I was very disappointed. What I've learned is that when He says He's bringing us prosperity and disaster, sometimes it means showing us a better way that what we've planned out. Because His ways are higher than ours. Sometimes we think we can plan so well and when it doesn't pan out, we get so angry. It is easier to get angry than to accept the truth. But it isn't worth our time, nor our energy.

So what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Now that I've got another year here, I've come to realize that maybe it isn't too bad. Staying for another year means I can prepare myself better. I also get to go home a few more times and spend more time with my family. I might be able to learn how to cook and drive, and maybe even work for a while. Most importantly, it gave me a chance to realign my goals and see the bigger picture.

The other day, a friend came to me for advice. She had a question of whether to pursue her dream or let it go. Honestly, I didn't quite know what to say. Having just failed in fulfilling my own short-term dream, I didn't feel like I was in the right position to advise her. But I told her what I thought: that dreams are good to have, but sometimes, we have to be realistic, and that ultimately, it's up to her to weigh the pros and cons and make a decision (though I know everyone hates to hear that). Dreams are meant to push us ahead, but they cannot make us lose sight of what we can get. And keeping the faith matters, even though it may not be easy.

So, yeah, there you have it - my ruminations on what I've experienced and what I got out of it. (I feel like I can write a GPP now... eh, maybe not, I remember the horror!) Now I think I can read my offer letter without tearing up. (I still haven't even touched the original copy because it's at home.) I once felt like I should just throw it out so that I won't have to look at it. But now, I think I'll just keep it. As for everything else that I've been avoiding, I think now's the time to dive into them.

Oh, and to end this very long and wordy (like every other post I write) post, here are some things I'm looking forward to: Carmen's party, going home for the semester break, being able to eat all the good food at home, soon-to-be-aired Grey's Anatomy Season 6 and Ugly Betty Season 4 (AAAAAAAAH!), and and and.. Christmas season!

I hereby declare my post for today done. You may rest your eyes now. (By the way, congratulations for making it this far! Should I LOL? Heh.)