Potential energy

Being caught in a limbo is like being a Newton's cradle. There's so much energy, all pent up, waiting to be expended somehow; yet there is so little room to explore. Each hit from the first ball is followed by the upward swing of the last ball, vice versa. The motion is repetitive, the concept is unchanged. Moving like that is stifling.

Just today, I realize what I've been doing. There are so many things I have not said and don't want to say. There are plans I don't want to make. There are issues I don't want to discuss. Becuase I feel that it isn't the right time to do so. But when is the right time? For this whole month, I've been stuck in a limbo - stuck in a place I never wanted to be in. I am in a position where I don't feel I am progressing as I should be.

Every time I feel like there is a glimmer of hope, I try so hard to keep it in sight. But so far, I feel like I've been hanging on to just my own will. When external factors come into play, it seems as though inner will doesn't stand a chance. But, still, press on, they say. That's what I've been doing. Inside, I've been struggling to comprehend this sequence of events. One day I was ecstatic, the next I felt as though it all doesn't matter anymore.

Rejection and dejection aren't new to me. No, we've been acquainted. When she gave me that searching look when we talked, I was reminded of a time when I could not accept failure - when nothing but perfect cut it for me. I wanted everything to be cookie-cutter perfect just because. Look what that got me. A whole lot of heartbreak and grief. Was it worth all the time and pain? In retrospect, maybe it was that turn of events that opened my eyes to what really mattered. But looking at her that night made me feel like I was looking at the old me - the girl who wanted every single detail in her plan to pan out precisely as planned. It is eerie how much of the old me I saw in her that night.

Over time, the anticipation and energy keep building up - to what, I don't know. Delaying the answer this way is painful. I know, I got myself where I am, but going through this ache for a whole month is sapping the energy out of me. Not knowing what lies ahead is gut-wrenching sometimes.

There are times I look forward to, plans I wish I can make and talk about. There is so much I wish I can say right now. I don't want to be stuck with the what-ifs and whys like this. I need a definite answer. There is so much on the line that I want.