Tired

Know how I feel? Like I’ve been backing up, gearing for more action, only to find myself being slammed against a concrete wall – again. It feels as though every step I take forward brings me two steps backward. I am beyond frustrated; what is this feeling?

When people ask me how things are getting by, what am I supposed to say? That they are fine when in actual fact I dread the walk to that same place where I’ve felt my heart break more than once? That they are going well despite the fact that I don’t even want to see travel luggage because it makes me keep on wondering what my life would be like in the near future? That they are fine although I'm struggling to keep my faith that this will all work out in the end? That they are going okay because, look, I am still smiling?

Well, here’s the truth. Things are not fine. Not right now as I type. I’m not going to pretend that everything’s fine and dandy because, really, there’s enough tailing the lines. Everything I’ve tried have only gotten me no’s. Is that all they can tell me? You know how it feels like to have some hope – or at least a semblance of it – only to have it taken away from you in a snap? It makes your heart ache. It rips apart your vision, tears down your resolutions. But, still, you have to find it inside yourself to keep on striving.

You want to know how I feel? I'm tired. Being in college has stretched me to limits I have never imagined. It has aged me in ways I did not see coming. Sometimes my mind reels when I think of the enormity of the situation I am caught in and of the fact that there are bigger things out there. Sometimes I wish I can just cocoon myself in my blanket and open my eyes to the morning sunlight at whatever time I please. Sometimes I wish that if I wish hard enough, this mess will magically work itself out.

All this disappointment is wearing me out.